


Searching for a Sweet Surrender

by chocolatecrack



Category: Japanese Actor RPF
Genre: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA I HOPE YOU LIKE THISSSSS, IT'S REALLY DRAMATIC SHUHEI IS ONE DRAMATIC MESS, M/M, Self-Loathing, also Shuhei-centric idk why, but yea I sort of tortured Shuhei here too BUT IT HAS A GOOD END BCOS I LOVE MY SON, it happened D:, sort of idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 21:10:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11654790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: Fucking damn it, this wasn't part of the plan. The plan was: build a friendship with Suda. Keep that friendship. Let it prosper. He didn't expect himself to fall in love in the process.But Suda Masaki can break his heart. And he would very much be willing to let it happen.





	Searching for a Sweet Surrender

**Author's Note:**

> IM SORRY IM LATE JESSICA BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I hope you like this sweetie!! ❤
> 
> Also: WE REALLY NEED MORE SUDANOMU FICS IN LIFE HUHUHUHUHU
> 
> But yep anyway!!!! idk I tried so hard but im not satisfied but idk idk I HOPE IT'S STILL OK. I missed writing fic. Huhuhuhuhu. Also: I may or may not have incorporated real life elements into this because I'm a dramatic piece of sht who has a lot of feelings rn and uses fic as an outlet idek ok I'm pathetic help
> 
> Anyways! Un-beta'd so forgive the mistakes huhu. Title from (also fic is sort of based on) I'm A Mess by Ed Sheeran.
> 
> chocolatecrack @ LJ || scenesinmoonstruck @ Tumblr || tobikko_2007 @ Twitter if you guys want to talk!
> 
> Also: to those who want to comment but don't want to go off anon, I made an ask.fm account for fics! :D --> http://ask.fm/chocolatecrack

_(The flames inside my eyes, It burns so bright)  
_ _But for tonight I wanna fall in love_

* * *

 

Shuhei was tired.

Nearing 3AM, he travels from a dingy bar in Roppongi to an American style diner that was open for 24 hours in Shibuya. Sits alone in a booth, head in his hands, heart on his sleeve.

Shuhei was so fucking tired.

He had tried denial. Because he's an idiot who was allergic to feelings and tries as much as he can to not have them. Because feelings were complicated. And weird. And... _new_. Not that he's never felt any sort of feelings before, but still. He was used to physical attraction. Quickies, one night stands, strangers needing release. He didn't like being attached. It was confusing and stressful. And not to mention heart wrenching.

Besides, this was _him_.

Suda Masaki.

They've always been good friends. Immediately clicked when they first worked together all those years ago. Kept up the friendship since then. And Shuhei doesn't realize it, not at the beginning at least, but he was falling. Bad. Fast. Rough landing. And now he was in too deep, and honestly, he can't take any more of this torture.

Because he knows Suda wasn't going to like him back. A small voice in his head, gradually getting louder, tells him that he wasn't going to have a single chance. That things were never going to work out well, he was going to ruin their friendship, destroy everything they've ever been through together. And it _hurt_. It hurt to know that this thing he was feeling, whatever the fuck it may be, didn't even matter. Because Suda wasn't going to reciprocate. Suda wasn’t going to feel the same.

Shuhei had always been a hopeless romantic. Just now, he had realized he was more hopeless than he was romantic.

So he tortures himself some more, because he had always been good at that, and punishes himself for letting himself _feel_. Suda Masaki does not deserve to be on the receiving end of him and his broken self. So Shuhei starts to dwindle. He messes up lines during shootings, to which he profusely apologizes for. He shows up late to photo shoots, to which he was extremely ashamed for.

He downs alcohol and smokes cigarettes and goes zero to sixty on his motorcycle, almost beating red lights, and he does every single thing in the universe that counts as self-destruction because, _fucking damn it_ , this wasn't part of the plan. The plan was: build a friendship with Suda. Keep that friendship. Let it prosper.

He didn't expect himself to fall in love in the process.

Maybe it was the way Suda always laughed at his reckless and hilarious antics. Maybe it was how Suda managed to be adorable and crazy but also irresistible and sexy. Maybe it was the way that Suda would immediately understand what he always means without him uttering so much as a single word. Maybe it was because he knew, from the get-go, that he was going to feel something for the older boy. A different kind of feeling. The inevitable kind. The kind where he knows he was going to be consumed.

And, _fuck_ , was he consumed. By the very being of Suda Masaki. His body, his face, his quirks, and unique traits, his personality. Him. Shuhei knows it was insane to feel this way. That this could very well be the thing that could destroy him. And that he doesn't even mind.

Suda Masaki can break his heart. And he would very much be willing to let it happen.

So here he was, 24 hour diner in Shibuya, head still reeling from the effects of alcohol, trying to drown out the screams of "You love him, you idiot," in his head. He curses himself for being so damn transparent and stupid and vulnerable. Why was he so weak for Suda Masaki?

" _Fuck_ ," he curses, frustrated, "You're so fucking stupid, Shuhei."

And then he lets the tears fall. Because crying was a form of catharsis and okay maybe he is in desperate need of one right now.

How do you stop yourself from having feelings? How do you stop yourself being too overly attached to someone who you know won’t feel the same as you? Shuhei still doesn’t know how to answer these questions, but they keep repeating in his head, over and over and _over_ , and it’s so tiring so he cries. Cries loud, cries hard, cries _every single shitty emotion_ he has in his body out. He’s tired. So fucking tired.

He wants it to stop. He just wants everything to stop.

“Enough,” he says in between sobs, the word coming strangled, caught in his throat, “Enough, Shuhei. _Enough_.”

And he picks up his phone.

 _It’s the alcohol_ , he convinces himself. It was the alcohol doing this. Making him feel even worse, feel even more hopeless. But right now it didn’t matter. He wanted to end this suffering, the sorrow, the agony. It was just so painful. _Too fucking painful_. He needed Suda to know. Even if he does get rejected. He just needed him to know.

So he dials the number.

 _Sugo Taisho_. The digits stare at him from his screen, and he has never pressed a ‘call’ button so fast in his entire life. Shuhei presses the phone onto his ear, waits for it, and then there it is. The dial tone.

It rings.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

He lets more tears fall.

“Hello?”

And Shuhei’s breath hitches.

That voice. And how it would always have an effect on him.

“Hello, Shuhei?”

He doesn’t know how to speak. His voice, his breath, caught in his throat, afraid to be let out, so Shuhei just listens. To the way Suda says the word ‘hello’ in that pitched up, curious manner. To the way Suda says his name like a prayer and a hallelujah all at the same time. To the way Suda’s voice had said those words, a combination of vowels and consonants pronounced by the sweet vibration of vocal chords. To the way Suda breathes, slow, steady, serene, Shuhei wanting nothing more than to steal the breath from him just so he could give it back, combined and interlaced with his own.

“I’m a mess,”

He says it on an impulse, instantly regrets the hollow, sad words, and how he had said them.

“I’m a mess, Taisho,” he repeats, unable to stop himself, a desperate tone in his voice “And I’m so fucking in love with you.”

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Suda doesn’t even fucking respond, so this was it. This was the end. He had done it. He had pushed too far, and now he was going to lose the only boy, the very boy, he was completely and utterly in love with because he couldn’t stop his feelings from actually happening. _Well done, Shuhei. You had one job, you fucking asshole._

Shuhei doesn’t understand why he doesn’t just end the call already. Put the phone down, possibly end his misery of waiting for a response and begin his misery of _why the fuck did I say that_. But he stays there, on the line, curious as to why Suda’s staying on the other end too.

Apparently his mouth has a mind of its own, because he starts speaking again, “Taisho, I—”

“Be my mess,”

Shuhei’s heart stops beating in his chest.

And then, not a second later, it thrums like the march of a thousand men, like the beat of a thousand bass drums, like the thunder of a thousand storms.

_Be my mess._

_My._

“But I…” his minds runs out of words to say, “You…”

“Come home, Shuhei,” there was something in how Suda had said it. Like a mix of wanting and needing and pleading and begging. Like he wanted Shuhei in his arms to cradle or catch or whatever the fuck, he just wanted him. With him. Together. Like it has always been, and always will be. “I want you home. With me.”

Shuhei picks up his own feet.

He doesn’t know how long it takes him, doesn’t really care if he was going to be honest. But suddenly he’s in front of a building, riding an elevator, knocking on Suda’s apartment door, and then Suda’s lips finds his, like he had been waiting for a million years to finally kiss him. It felt like a million years anyway.

“ _I’m yours_ ,” Suda says in between kisses, whispers with so much feeling, and Shuhei backs them up towards Suda’s room, crashing onto white sheets that smell like him, “I always have been.”

Shuhei’s heart bursts and skips a beat all at the same time, and _Christ_ , how dare he. How dare he be this lucky? At what point in his life did he do something _so grand_ for Suda Masaki to feel the same way?

“Taisho…” Shuhei responds, pulling away momentarily to stare into Suda’s eyes, all full of overwhelming love, “I’m so fucking in love with you,” because he needed to say it out loud. In front of Suda, _his Taisho_. Every single word, meant. Every single word, sincere.

Suda takes a deep breath.

“Shuhei,” the sound of his name from Suda’s voice makes his blood dance, “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

They kiss again.

Until the stars appear behind closed eyelids. Until the only thing that could be heard on a 3:30AM dawn was the sound of two boys, two boys _so in love with each other_ , kissing. Until Shuhei had gulped down Suda’s moans down his throat, and return the exact same amount. Until Suda screams Shuhei’s name into the heavens, over and over and _over_ , pairing it with a, _you’re my everything_ and _you make me feel alive_ and _I love you_.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Shuhei whispers in between pants, strong arms wrapped around Suda’s waist, breath tickling Suda’s neck from behind, both their bodies under the protection of white sheets. Suda backs up a little, still panting, still reeling from his high.

“I would’ve waited,” he smiles, “No matter how long.”

**Author's Note:**

> I WANTED TO EXPAND ON THE MAKING LOVE SCENE TBH but I felt like this kind of scene fit it more hehe  
> Anyways! Thoughts?


End file.
